“Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, austere religious scholar at helm of Islamic State, dies at 48.”-Washington Post, October 27, 2019
Baghdadi, or as his slaves lovingly call him “Big Daddy” was a shy- Dungeons and Dragons playing youth, who loved to spend his free time mutilating small animals and popping into a local mosque to recruit suicide bombers.
Big Daddy enjoyed spending his precious free time as a film critique, giving 98% Rotten Camels to the latest head removal flick, but interestingly, only 58% to Mona Lisa Smiles of which, some say, he watched over a hundred times.
Big Al was a lover of children, fathering……. honestly who knows how many, as he raped and pillaged his way through towns, to use them as human shields against the infidels.
After a long day of beheadings, he would often kick back with a Mai Tai, and a game of soccer; rumor had it he was a huge fan of the Tampa Bay Rowdies of the USL. He was also often found whipping up whimsical chemical concoctions to try out on the local handicapped and LGBTQ folk.
He grew into a bulging, beastly, bearded man and while not much of a fashionista, Al expressed his whacky style with all the latest trends in eye wear. One very close acquaintance, we’ll call Kevin, snickered and said, “I don’t think those glasses were even prescription, he just wanted to impress the babes.”
After a career sacking every town he could find, and killing every person he came in contact with, he recently settled down into a quiet cave life, preferring them close to the local Starbucks. As Kevin says, “he was fine without furniture or even light fixtures, but you’d never find him without his Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato.”
Big Al leaves behind 187 wives, 300 (ish) children and a thousand or so slaves. And while the headless film industry will undeniably suffer, Als legacy will live on with each and every suicide vest bombing.
Goodbye Big Daddy, you will be missed by……. no one………………………………..
except for the Mainstream Media, and especially the Washington Post.